Offering to wash our Goldendoodle Charlie would be a great help after a messy trip to the dog park
From Liisa, SMSgt Temple’s wife: Rex is out today on a mission. Meanwhile I found this series online in a blog written by Army Captain Richard Connaroe. He had asked his wife and some of her friends to come up with helpful tips for civilians who find themselves dealing with a military spouse during a deployment. The advice is very much on point and includes even a list of what never to say to a military wife during deployment. Thanks to Capt. Connaroe for the permission to republish a condensed version of the original material.
From “Notes from Iraq with Capt. Richard Connaroe”:
Occasionally, Soldiers are complimented for their service. While recognition never fails to bring a smile, there is a group of much stronger, much more deserving individuals: Army Wives or military spouses.
The hardships that a military spouse endures are hard to imagine even to Soldiers. To sacrifice a year or more apart from their husband or wife, often cases the father or mother of their children, and take on all household responsibilities is a thankless task.
Occupied with executing combat missions and reacting on muscle memory, Soldiers reflect on what he or she is missing back home only during downtime. Although the spouse carries on, her life is never as busy that she forgets her husband. And in this sense, her job is tougher than her Soldier’s.
Army Wives are left with the responsibility of maintaining a home, a yard, a career, children, cars, pets, and every task that their Soldier used to handle. On top of that, the military spouse must worry that her Soldier is in danger and have faith that God will provide.
Those not in the military atmosphere try to offer support and empathy. Often times, these well-intended attempts are not well thought out. The following is a collection of such thoughts that are intended with consideration but come across as inconsiderate or oblivious at best.
My Army Wife, Devon Connaroe, compiled this “Top Things Not To Say To The Spouse of a Deployed Soldier” from fellow Soldiers’ wives. The following list of lines from family and friends are memorable, because they are particularly discomforting. In fact, they drive her into a world if isolation, believing that no one understands.
Five Army Wives, whom my wife has befriended during our last five years in the military, contributed to the list: Robyn Mroszczyk, Melissa Salmon, Sheena Jorgensen, Erin Wackerhagen and Rasheedah Stewart. Many of these sayings were not exclusive to one individual, but heard by multiple women.
Often, people may attempt to empathize with the situation by saying one of the following:
“I know how you feel. My husband was away for nearly a week on business last month.” Although, well intended, a short business trip is NOTHING like experiencing the weight of a deployment, which can last from six to fifteen months.
“I know how you feel, I was a single mom.”
The wife does stay alone and care for things, but a single mom does not have to worry about a husband being in danger.
“I understand what you are going through, I watch the show Army Wives.”
The show Army Wives is not a reality show; it is a TV drama that is meant to mimic what writers believe to be true.
People may offer what they believe to be a compliment:
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“I couldn’t deal if my husband left that long.”
Hearing this is not a compliment. The wife does not have a choice to “deal,” and, often times, they don’t know how they get through either; they just do it because they honor and love their husband.
Some try to offer support and look on the bright side of things concerning the deployment.
“Well you only have 9 months left. The rest is easy now.”
Having a portion of the deployment completed does not make the rest of the separation easier.
If he is in Iraq, “At least he is not in Afghanistan.” OR
If he is in Afghanistan, “At least he is not in Iraq.”
Regardless of his location for the deployment, he is still in danger and still separated from his family.
Often times, military spouses are asked questions with obvious answers. Would you prefer if she answers with a non-obvious answer?
“Do you miss him?”
“Are you excited he is coming home?”
“Are you scared he will die?”
On the off chance that the spouse has taken her mind off these thoughts, you have now changed that.
Others carelessly encourage, “But he’ll be home for Christmas, right?”
Military personnel do not get to leave their assigned deployment for Holidays. They are granted only two weeks of vacation to leave and visit their family. Only a fraction of them can visit home at any given time, including holidays.
Believe it or not, those close to military spouses will at times grow tired of their friend’s sorrow, saying:
“You knew what you signed up for when you married a soldier.”
“You knew that he would be deployed.”
Military spouses do not marry the military; they marry the man or woman that they love who happens to be in the military. No one can ever describe to you what the weight of a deployment is like or “what you are signing up for”.
At times, some people end conversations by saying, “If you ever need anyone to help you with something around the house, give me call,” without leaving a phone number.
Typically, a wife is not going to reach out for help, especially when the offer is half-hearted.
Finally, some people just do not think before they talk.
“I am glad my husband isn’t in the military, because he could die.”
Believe it or not, people who aren’t in the military still die.
Throughout a deployment, the spouse of a Soldier endures a great sacrifice. A script on how to converse with the spouse of a deployed Soldier does not exist. The right things to say are not lines stored on a pocket-sized notebook, which can be pulled out in the necessary moment. Upon meeting an Army Wife, you should not feel as though it is necessary to try to relate to her. Although you may feel it is socially necessary to comment on the Soldier’s absence, there is really no need to do so at all.
Support, encouragement and graciousness are appreciated. However, there is a key to interacting with the spouse: sincerity.
Be yourself. Be genuine. If you don’t know what to say, silence is acceptable.
If you pray, comfort the spouse by sending your prayers to the soldier and his family.
If you are grateful for the sacrifice, thank the husband or wife for what they are doing for your freedom.
If you want to help, be specific in what you are willing to offer, such as mowing the lawn. Empty offers are typically all encompassing. If you aren’t willing to rake leaves or bathe the dog, don’t say, “If you ever need anything, let me know.”
Be a friend. Show the spouse that you care about who she is, without defining her by the deployment.
In the end, it is the honesty and sincerity that means the most.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Afghanistan, Air Force wife, Deployment, family, goldendoodle, military spouse, U.S. Air Force, U.S. Army, war
I’m not the spouse of a deployed soldier, ‘just’ the Mom…and even I get really annoyed with the “At least he’s not in….” comments.
My soldier’s family lives a state away…so helping out is limited, we grab the grand-daughter for short stays as often as we are allowed. Luckily, ‘mom’ is pretty cooperative.
Deployment is just no fun for anybody…but you need to know that there are plenty of people here at home who love you, miss you and are extremely thankful that you make the sacrifice. You have earned my deepest respect and admiration…and I’m sending you and your wife a big bear hug…as well as prayers for your continued well-being, in all aspects of your life.
Just send needed items to your deployed family members. It makes their day much better, plus the BX or PX runs out of needed items almost the day they arrive. More demand than supply sometimes. I love my fellow service members. I always think about, what would I like if I was in their shoes.
I am also a mom who has trouble with the comments. I agree with Vickie that deployment is no fun for any family member.
I salute all the military wives and husbands for stepping up and supporting their spouse who is supporting us and defending our freedom.
Thank you, spouses!
My niece is in BAF. Her husband is home keeping things together. Always say Spouse rather than Wife. I am a female retired soldier with a husband at home when I was deployed. Don’t forget about the men at home waiting for their spouses coming home. I would like to know why there is so many differences between the services. The Army dislikes the Air Force and the Marines dislike everyone. I don’t know about the Navy. I think they need some classes on how to get along. I can see some emotions getting out of hand.
I truly believe that a lot of the “thoughtless” things people say are their efforts to offer sympathy. Try not to be too hard on them.
They CAN’T possibly know (without getting their hands on some literature that will force them inside the experience) what it’s like. Just like until it happens, I can’t know what it’s like to lose a parent. I’m sure I’ll say the wrong thing to a friend who loses a parent in my clumsy efforts to be comforting.
(I suppose I was lucky when my husband was deployed that no one really said anything to me. Except for my neighbor, whose husband left for two weeks. She actually said, “I know two weeks is a silly thing to complain about. Look what you’re going through.”
This allowed me to say, “If you’ve never been away from him that long, it’s hard for you. It’s all absolutely relative.”)
I am the mother of a soldier deployed to Iraq. Recently he came home on leave to his young family ( wife and two children under 4 years) in Colorado. I live in another state and did not get to see him because I am using all of my available resources getting ready to move out there to help them all in December 2009. I can’t leave my life here before that. Apparently he came home to a very unhappy situation as it’s been difficult for his wife to take care of the home, the children, the car, the yard, the shopping, as well as continuing her college education. In the six months he was gone, pretty much everything has fallen apart and he spent his entire 2 week leave trying to put it all back together; he was hurt and angry. I understand both side of the issue, and the kids are clean and well cared for while everything else has gone to Haites. I just wish I knew how to help until I can get out there. Does anyone know of people who volunteer to help with just an hour or a just a task that would make it a bit easier for the spouse waiting at home? I know that she doesn’t even have the time or where-with-all to seek out the kind of help she needs.
I am a military spouse, and my husband is in Iraq. He will be back next January. I had to laugh when I read this because I hear these all the time, and everyone offers to help, but never really do anything to help. In my situation we moved to another state and my husband was deployed in under a month. Before we could even secure housing, so on my own I had to find somewhere to live, the houseing waiting list was over a year, figure out the community, find a job, unpack once we found somewhere to live, figure out childcare, and manage three very upset children. No one can really understand what that is like until they live it. overwhelming cannot even describe what it is like. The individual before me asked about resources and you sometimes hear about programs from army one source. There was one program recently I got excited about because they provide $500 per child for activites. Once I got everything together I learned that it was only for reservist. Active duty military do not have anywhere near the resources they need for families. The mother ahead of me asked about someone to mow the lawn or grocery shop, anything to help out. that is what should be done, but it seems like all people can do it say it….next time instead of thanking a family for their sacrafice show them by actions instead of words. Mow their lawn, have your company provide a military discount, or a moms night out. Show support. Because it is harder then you think, and actions speak louder then empty words.
I had to chuckle a bit when I read the list. I have heard every single thing on that list, sadly most of it comes from my husband’s family. It also gives me some reassurance that other people are hearing the same nonsense and I wasn’t becoming a bitter person. If I could I’d love to post this outside my cubicle as a must read before speaking with me. My favorite is: “At least he’s not in Afghanistan.” Yeah, that’s my biggest comfort.
It’s also reassuring to know that I’m not crazy for not wanting to ask help from people who I know in my heart are just paying me lip service. My husband constantly tells me to ask for help from someone but I look around and think “who?”. I’m bogged down with keeping up with the house and the pets, I can’t imagine what’s going to happen when we have kids, I just don’t have time for having someone do the job half-ass that I’ll have to finish or re-do later.
I’m heading out on my second deployment in a few days and my wife and I are more prepared this time around. The key is preperation! We only got the orders a month out and we have been able to put all of our affairs in order. I found that having a file box with all the important paperwork, phone numbers, instructions ready and constantly updated was really helpful. There are many groups out there that will help out, it just takes a bit of networking. I have been speaking with my classmates and their wives from west point and we have established a support network. To make it easier my wife transfered within her company to a city closer to her family and we our renting out our house while I’m gone. The best thing families and their Soldiers can do is to prep for a deployment way before they even get the orders to deploy
I am not longer in the service and my husband is out as well, but I will never forget being that wife. Once you have experienced it you can NEVER forget those feelings or anything that was said above. Like most I hear all of these things as well and got the lip service too. If anyone reading this is not in this situations PLEASE follow through and listen to what this article says. It is probably the best possible thing you can so. I am happy to say that because I have experienced this myself I do try to help others who are still trying to cope with being a military spouse. God Bless you all! I can honestly say since I was both a spouse of a military serviceman and served myself, I would much rather be the one serving than to be the spouse who has to try and cope. I really think it is harder to be the spouse! No matter what though. You all deserve our gratitude and support! Thank you!
….women are deployed also, and their husbands deal with the same issues…. these Soldiers and their husbands are many times not given the same acknowledgement for their sacrifices. Just a thought.
Thank you, Elizabeth for remembering our military women. Ho-aah Ladies!!
AMEN amen amen! ~from Army wife of 15 years with three deployments under our belt. cannot wait until 20 years are up!
As a Army Veteran-Turned-Army-Wife, I know exactly what happens during a deployment. Unfortunately, that knowledge has not made it any easier to cope with my husband’s pending deployment. He leaves soon and my heart aches every day for him and our girls. My biggest pet-peeve when I was deployed was the half-hearted offers for help to the family. My husband and I weren’t married during my deployment so my three children (from a previous marriage) stayed with my mom. When my mom turned to those people for help, she received little. I learned from her disappointment and now when people make me that offer I politely reply “thank you for your thoughtfulness. I’ll keep it in mind but I think we’ll be fine.” Being a military spouse is the hardest job in the world, and I salute all of you!!